I operate from a place of thinking everything is about me. Literally. I think I always have. It is one of the most limiting and debilitating characters defects I have had to live with.
I don’t think I am narcissistic. I have genuine compassion for and interest in other people, usually before myself. I have just spent far too many years thinking that people care more about what I do and how I do than is actually real. This is what I mean by limiting. I have spent my life making big, pivotal life choices based more on what people will think of my decisions, or me, than on what is actually best for me or those around me. Where I live, where I train, what I wear, what I eat, the list goes on and on.
Thinking everything is about me does not only mean that I base my actions on what other people will think, but it has also meant that I genuinely believe (a lot of the time) that other people’s actions are about me. This manifests in different ways: sometimes I think that the things people say are about me. Sometimes I think the things people do or they way they act is about me. Sometimes I think the things people don’t do or don’t say are about me. I give myself far, far too much weight in the opinions of others. I doubt I feature even fractionally as much as I tend to think that I do.
I have denied myself the things I need or the things I really want. I have denied people the chance to really know me, and in turn denied myself the chance at real and true human relationships. All because I think people care what do or what I am.
I have sacrificed things as a result of this defect. I have probably pushed people away. Or maybe they don’t even notice as much as I think they do because maybe they don’t even think about me as much as I think they do. Maybe they don’t even think about me at all. I don’t know. I will never know. In actuality, it’s none of my business. I need to practice acting (when the act is for me and only me) independent of what people might think. I need to learn to speak (when the words are for me and only me) without worrying about what people might think. And I need to learn to stop thinking that every person’s actions or words are about me, or founded in an opinion of me. It is not all about me. In fact, very little of what other people do and say is about me.
Today, I will consciously give myself freedom from the obsession of me. I will just be me, only me, always me. And always remembering that everyone else is just trying to be himself or herself, completely irrespective of me.